I was thinking about the story of Moses confronting Pharaoh. Pharaoh decided not to let the Hebrews go, so God wound up sending plagues of frogs, locusts, flies, and whatnot. I started thinking about how weird some of those plagues were. I mean, why frogs for cryin’ out loud? And then it occurred to me that maybe all these things were just some stuff that really got on Pharaoh’s nerves.

If this were so, I wondered what irritating plagues God would send me if I were Pharaoh. My story in the Bible might read something like…

And Moses said unto Pharaoh Charles, “If thou refuse to let my people go, for the next month whenever thou doth bringeth home tasty goodies and place them in thine cabinet, everyone in thy house will decimate them first so that when thou return later to snacketh upon them, thou will findeth only an empty box.”

But Pharaoh Charles hardened his heart and did not let God’s people go. So God said to him, “For the next month I will set feet upon thine television remote control so that even when thou intentionally place it where thou know thou will be able to find it, it will still walk off and hide itself who-knows-where, causing you to miss the first 10 minutes of thy favorite show. Everyone in thine house will claim ignorance of its whereabouts, and you will be left to search thine entire household for it. When thou returneth to the family room, the remote control will mysteriously reappear. This scenario will regularly repeat itself despite many tantrums and lectures thou mayest bring forth.”

And yet Pharaoh Charles hardened his heart once again. So God said, “For the next several years of thine life, whenever thou would like to have dialogue with thy wife, many little voices will raise themselves with the clamor of a raging waterfall so that thou cannot even hear thyself think, let alone complete a sentence.”

But Pharaoh Charles once again hardened his heart and did not let God’s people go. So God said unto him, “Alright, thou hath done it now. For the next year, whatever lane of traffic thou happen to be in will move forward like molasses, while the traffic in the lanes next to thee zips by at an amazing speed. If thou doth changeth lanes, then that lane will also grind to a creaking halt. I will further compound thy misery by placing two children in the back seat that absolutely will not quit fighting, no matter how thou doth rage upon them.”

But Pharaoh Charles did harden his heart yet again and did not let God’s people go. So God said unto him, “Boy, thou art about to get on mine last nerve. For the next five years, I will visit thee with the plague of greasy little hands. Whenever thou doth attire thyself with thine finest raiment that thou did purchase for special occasions, I will send upon thee tiny child hands, laden with chicken grease and Goldfish crumbs, to paw at thee, instantaneously ruining thine new clothes. Thou will just have to suck it up, too, ‘cause it comes along with thine job description.”

Hmm. Come to think of it, all these plagues are already upon me, and they don’t even come with the job title of “Pharaoh.”

But the point of the story in the Bible is that God finally got Pharaoh motivated and things started to move in the right direction. I would like to think that it wouldn’t take a bunch of plagues for God to get me to do his will, but my heart is pretty much like anyone else’s. All of Mankind is afflicted with the desire to be in charge, to do it our way, to be our own little Pharaohs. The problem is that plan just doesn’t work with God. His way leads to life. Man’s way leads to frogs in your living room. You decide. It’s God’s way or the fly-way.

But, I have to wrap this up now. I have a full day ahead of me sitting in traffic on my way to get more snacks I’ll never get to eat. Some days the plagues just keep coming, don’t they?

© 2022. Charles Marshall is a nationally known Christian comedian and author. Visit his Web site www.ChristianComedian.org or contact him via e-mail at Charles@ChristianComedian.org